We have just been visited by the woman who holds all the environmental career confidence that I lack. A friend of a friend in the region for a job interview.
Yesterday I felt bruised inside after answering employment and job hunting technique questions from her. I felt like a failure and loser. I felt silly, lazy and stupid. I asked for and heard details of the wonderful interview technique she exhibited yesterday for a position that I would love to hold. A position I didn't apply for because I lack confidence.
I have lacked this confidence since the year after finishing my degree. At this time I was volunteering for an organisation to gain experience in environmental education. I applied for a casual position doing the same work for the same large organisation. I didn't get an interview. I overhead a staff member ridiculing to my supervisor some of the low quality applications that didn't get through to interview. She looked pained and changed the topic. Later she asked me if I wanted her to get feedback for me. I was embarrassed and replied "No". The year continued with more unsuccessful applications and then an escape overseas. But I continued applying.
I have had career periods full of pride and achievement. This low period post-redundancy has persisted for a year. I am tired of the 'loser feeling' that returns regularly. However the visitor has left and I have survived. I have not fallen into a heap with tears and snot ruining my day. I have held back tears and changed the subject when there was unwanted pushing and questioning from the visitor. I have talked glowingly of my and my fella's current casual work. I am proud of my fella and I for our determination to succeed here and also for being well rounded, contributing, happy community members without 'The Full Time Job'. And perhaps we have achieved this quicker due to the lack of that job?
