Tonight at 8.30pm, I sat on the laundry floor with a glass of red and "got to know" my front loader. In in were at least 4 very pooey 'modern cloth nappies' plus more nappies and wipes. Apparently too much fibre yesterday for baby equals disgusting sticky poos today (banning GF Soy and Linseed bread.) My aim was to pre-rinse these filthy nappies before a proper wash tomorrow morn. I had not tried this before in my geriatric, inherited front loader. To be honest, I don't really understand its rhythms.

I am a stay at home mum and it was my Tuesday night. I was in my nightey wearing thongs. I was not 'at the office' but I was still working.

Last night my hubby lamented that he did not get to take off his work shoes until 10pm at night. He had attended his hobby group last night after work and baby bath time. The tetchy discussion came up in regards to a small amount of left over dishes to hand wash. Who should do it? The paid worker who didn't have couch time until 10pm or the stay at home mum who hit the couch at 7.30pm but had cooked the healthy, tasty dinner.

Of course, this little discussion ran through my mind a few times during the day. It raises questions of family responsibilities. Today I caught up with a mate for coffee and cake. During this 1.5hr catch up, I changed a pooey nappy, provided rice cakes and avo, water, breastmilk and toys for entertainment. I held baby down to prevent her nose diving from high chair. Afterwards I walked baby around the block, and then sat in the car in a supermarket car park for 45 minutes whilst she finished her nap. Was I working?

This morning, before my Hubby arrived at work after his hour long commute, I had fed baby breast milk and break fast, fed dog, fed self, changed nappy, emptied dishwasher, put on load of washing, folded laundry, made bed. Was I working harder or just hanging at home?

I know my partner works hard. As he is a feminist, I have no need to make this about gender. This is about thinking through the workload of the stay at home parent. Today I cancelled my cleaner for monetary reasons. She has been coming fortnightly for the last few months (following The Fleas Episode) to attend to the basics - floors, bathrooms, dusting. Ironically I need a part time job to keep her, but my time to apply for jobs decreases with an increase in domestic jobs. Lovely cleaner - please come back!!

This only my fourth blog. How to end off? Ummm, parenthood; tough but rewarding?? Ummm, I'm a feminist; get me outta here??!! :)

What is fun?

I am feeling old. Not sure what is fun anymore. In my thirties; no children yet. What is fun?

Not going out; drinking, smoking and dancing. We like going to bed too early for that.

Is crochet fun? I love it but sometimes it is work too. I like tennis but sometimes I am embarrassed by my poor showing in it. Sometimes it is hard work losing all the time. Is it fun?

The pursuit of fun is much harder now. Friends are in other cities. Responsibilities to parents, career, partners feels more consuming then in the twenties.

Overseas in May was fun with my fella. Discovering Prague with him. What a wonderful city. Spending time with my family whilst we have new travel experiences. This was great. But we can't be travelling all the time, can we??

Looking back at photos. Planting native plants can be fulfilling. And watching them and other plants grow and flourish can be joyful. But is it fun?

The fella and I are on a roller coaster of emotions whilst we both have irregular casual work. Feeling terrible if we don't get to work. Is full time work the fun we are missing or is it the monotony of full time work that makes all the other experiences 'funner'?

Drop me a comment if you have experienced this feeling as well. I'd love some advice.

The Visit

We have just been visited by the woman who holds all the environmental career confidence that I lack. A friend of a friend in the region for a job interview.

Yesterday I felt bruised inside after answering employment and job hunting technique questions from her. I felt like a failure and loser. I felt silly, lazy and stupid. I asked for and heard details of the wonderful interview technique she exhibited yesterday for a position that I would love to hold. A position I didn't apply for because I lack confidence.

I have lacked this confidence since the year after finishing my degree. At this time I was volunteering for an organisation to gain experience in environmental education. I applied for a casual position doing the same work for the same large organisation. I didn't get an interview. I overhead a staff member ridiculing to my supervisor some of the low quality applications that didn't get through  to interview. She looked pained and changed the topic. Later she asked me if I wanted her to get feedback for me. I was embarrassed and replied "No". The year continued with more unsuccessful applications and then an escape overseas. But I continued applying.

I have had career periods full of pride and achievement. This low period post-redundancy has persisted for a year. I am tired of the 'loser feeling' that returns regularly. However the visitor has left and I have survived. I have not fallen into a heap with tears and snot ruining my day. I have held back tears and changed the subject when there was unwanted pushing and questioning from the visitor. I have talked glowingly of my and my fella's current casual work. I am proud of my fella and I for our determination to succeed here and also for being well rounded, contributing, happy community members without 'The Full Time Job'. And perhaps we have achieved this quicker due to the lack of that job?

Something exciting, scary and new

What a lovely contented day. Started off with doing the dishes and sending off a job app before 9am. What a star I am?! (Hate dishes and guiltily leave them as much as possible to my lovely fella.) He got the call to work in a school today so I took on some domestic duties early and then felt free to crochet by midday - little pleasures.

Currently working on this Flower Scarf pattern using lovely, soft Australian made Cleckheaton Country Aran 10ply yarn. Love love love my crochet class of friendly, laughing women. We are moving to the next stage of the pattern together on Saturday.

The lush Tweed valley is so sunny today but the wind is so cool and little man dog has successfully begged to be leached to the warm front verandah. Do you see our yellow cherry-plum tomatoes still fruiting in July? They are warm in the mouth. Thank you Farmer's Choice Organics for your amazing seedlings 6 months ago!

No sign of previously mentioned extra hours as yet from current casual employer. Do I ask again? Do I blatantly email my multi-day availability.. again? Enjoying the work I do get though and appreciating its value in my and my fella's life; both monetary and fulfillment from a job well done. Its wonderful to be talking about native plants and botany again; using my degree.

Two postal packages for me today! Still so exciting even when childhood and a time of posted birthday packages are over. Some educational material for work and also my repaired wedding ring back from the wonderful jewelry designer Zoe Pook.

I have deactivated Facebook a few days back and miss its constant updates of those dear and not so dear to me. However I have finally started this blog and applied for a job after a break from that malarkey so it must be a MASSIVELY POSITIVE thing to have done. A relief also to not have the easy opportunity to FB stalk the one who snubbed me. Oh the weird ways that Facebook messes with our heads. Do you have this problem sometimes?

Now to the begin the business plan for our sweet, little accommodation idea...